anxiety · family · health · mental health

Let’s be real

For as long as I can remember I’ve been a worrier my first memory was my mum going shopping to the supermarket and leaving me at home with my grandma, I remember thinking she was never coming back I cried and cried in reality she must have been gone a hour at the most.

This worrying grew with me it was like a weight on my shoulders I worried at school, I worried at lunch and I would worry if I wasn’t in bed at the same time everyday that something awful would happen. My only release from the worry was to dance. I loved to dance and went to lessons most days after school, during school I’d often feel sick with worry and spend my hours asking to be sent home but as soon as it got to dance time I was free my worry lifted and I would dance till I couldn’t dance anymore. Instead of being worried I channeled that worry into being the best, I was competitive but successful I drove my self to work harder to achieve and be the best.

Weekends would arrive and I would set of to competitions with my 7 costumes for my 7 solos, I always felt so proud as my mum made the most beautiful costumes but yet I look back now and I feel sad as that little girl who was driven to be the best was unliked by many at school and at dance when really I was just shy worried and anxious yet people took my weakness and used that to dislike me.

Most of my school years I was badly bullied for different reasons as I grew. I hated school and only went as I want to go to dance lessons, my heart was set and I was going to be a professional ballet/ contemporary dancer my name was well know in the competition circuits and I trained so hard to achieve where I wanted to be, my worry and anxiety drive my ambition. At 15 I auditioned for full time dance school and was offered full scholarship for two of my dream training schools. Everything was great then bang o was I’ll, I spent the summer coming up to moving away back wards and forwards to hospital having many different blood test, I had glandular fever but I didn’t recover as I was so burnt out.

I moved away to dance school but after 6 months had to move home I couldn’t cope my body was worn out at 16 I felt old my gp diagnosed me with m.e/chronic fatigue the consultant said I had burn out to much to young.

Looking back I had anxiety chronic anxiety, I suffered adrenaline flushed, shakes, viral unwellness the symptom list could go on. For 18 months I lost my life I didn’t leave the house I was isolated I lost all my friends, they wasn’t interested as I couldn’t go out or talk about the things they all enjoyed. My dream had stopped and I’d lost my way.

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